I ran home in the rain. All win£☆±ter, I ran in the wet, prickle snow that was sp→ ♠≥itting in the winter o<∑f Connecticut. Sometimes, I was wearing jeγ↕ans and Storck Birkin jogging, feelin∑γg too low, unable to concentrate. Pu→ ↔t on the fitness equi≥♠pment. But I did it. I took the med♣•≤×icine. I did it twentieth ×€®±times. The chemical co≈∑≈mposition of my brain is$€α₽ slowly recovering. The prescription cured mσ∏σ↕e.

I've been running, 20 minutes of ₩∏∑$stopwatch every day, b →≥ecause that therapist is right: 11 months andλ× 3 days ago, I feel I need tφ®↔o feel my pain. It's≠ →σ real life again. But, as anyon×αe has reached the edge and crossed it, I live§ γ in a nagging, constant ≈☆fear that my next collaps™☆•e will never be far away.The despair of the∏→¥ delicate titration brarry my brγα<ain needs 5- endorphin≠•♥δ, serotonin, dopamine and glutamate NCE let me ☆≥δ§wear shoes on the sidewalk or treadmill. "‌​♥I never got the excitement of a legendary runne¶>♣‌r. I never thought of Zen meditat εion, or even a few seconds. This is a purel¥™y tedious physical discomfort, and worse™<, the car, the unhealthy mind of the min≥•​∑d. I set the stopwatch at±↑δ 20:00My mind immediately took over in t"¶₹he process of self destruction, like this, &Ω>δ•quot;Okay, don't look at the watch.&q≤§™✘uot; Fuck it. I've se±→λen it. The sports mat₩±γch is 19 minutes and 58 seconds, and theφ∞✔ stopwatch time is left. Jesus's damn Al∑ γison, at least five minutes later, don't s‌♠ ©ee it again. Okay? All righ§α↔t.I really need bikini ‌ πwax. But I shouldn't d✘≥o that. I shouldn't have bou♠©'​ght it again. It's to$★o anti feminism. But I feel disgu♠₹< sted with my swimsuit. Why ca₹↕εn't I become one of γ"those women who come out of my bikini∞¥, just like I put a br​↔↔oken Brie Loppa Deca in it, s& o that's okay? It all hurts like a bastar★"• d.I can go right away, but ¶>‍♦I think I'm going to have my mδ δ‌enstruation, just like it is now. T>≈he poor Asian women hav✔ ‌e seen my damn underwear ‍'too many times. They're Plo Babu Eli, so I&™↑#39;m going to get out of the bβ♣&≠ox office. On this point, they®​¥'ll lie and say they don't hav≈÷★<e time. Run for a 19 minute stopwatch,¶£✔​ and go for a 40 second w♣©×✘atch.

Sometimes I run in the street ¥"£±clothes. Some days, ≈γwhen the stopwatch was running in the st♦₹reet, I didn't look like I was ₹↔πrunning. I seemed to be late f$₽or work or wanted to go to work. It's a bus.≤≤

Before I die, I want to run another "₹race, where I won't cry, I can't pee, §★∏I won't bleed on the fi§>✘↕nish line, and I won≠​9;t die on the finish line. But now the only r↔‌∑₽eal competition is running every day, w☆"¥ith a stopwatch running for 20 φ★≈‌minutes every time, when people λ∏φshout on the porch, with a little £≤≤δconcern, "Hey! What are you l ¥≠ate for? Then I look→✔βed at the palm's stopwatch. I  ♦ Ωfound it was really late. D©$™₩o you need a ride? "I smilβ↕↕>e, wave, go on. Try to tell your☆"✘✘self that when I realφ♦✘ize that I'm sweating through my silk ‍→blouse, there are 18 minutes of stopw₹∞∏→atch and 2 seconds, which may be my pe≠₽ ↑rsonal best.